The Customs Man

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He stands there, in his handsome uniform.

But in his eye there's a gleam.

He's not just admiring the scenery,

He's there as one of a team.


He looks at your luggage and then at your face

It's amazing just what he can tell.

He's had a few tips on psychology,

And on human nature as well.


He'll detect the odd bulge, a face turning red,

He'll move in quick, with consummate grace.

"Excuse me please, just step over here

I'd like to examine your case."


"Oh I do feel queer, can I sit over here?"

She says, as she's just passing by.

But he found the contraband, inside her hat.

Although she's had a very good try!


"Now look here my man, I can't hang about.

My train goes, at quarter past three."

As the white plastic packets were uncovered, he said

"You'll just have to come along with me!"


The turban seemed to be a funny shape.

At the corner it was almost square.

It didn't have stacks of poppies inside.

But it certainly had a very good share!


"Here have a whisky, put up your feet!"

The ship's captain was ever so bold.

He declined, continued the search; it was there.

Under a pipe, just to the side, in the hold.


"I do admit I'm  just over the quota,"

She said with such a beautiful smile.

He took a quick look and very soon found out.

She'd passed it by many a mile!


"Oh come along Sir, I'll bet you don't dare,

Amongst my belongings to grope."

He was tempted but decided to refer her on.

And her brassiere was filled up with dope!


"I admire you chaps, standing out in all weathers.

You're only doing your duty."

"Thank you sir, I'll just examine your car."

Secret places were filled up with booty!


The Priest was angelic, with a lovely white collar.

Even though surrounded by thugs.

But when they examined the bible he carried.

The 'cut out' was filled up with drugs!


The limousine drew up, the chauffeur looked sad.

"The engine's 'missing', it regularly backfires."

In no time at all, they'd uncovered the stuff.

Hidden inside each one of the tyres!


The box of fruit was beautifully presented.

"Here sir, take a nice ripe banana."

"No thank you, not now," he said with a smile.

As he uncovered bags of marijuana.


Contraband gets past, I am sure.

Since conversion to container freight.

It's much more difficult to examine the load.

And it does make investigators irate.


Don't every imagine, Mr. Amateur.

That you've got an original thought.

Don't take any chances, is my advice.

If you want to avoid being caught!


Resolve to stay within the limit.

And, if you do that, you can.

Avoid unnecessary detention.

By the dear old Customs man!


by Stan Andeliver


Author: Trevor Durbidge     Copyright 2001 [TJD].     All rights reserved.    Revised: October 30, 2007 .

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